Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."
Monday, May 16, 2011
and the Light shines on in the darkness...
(from a super intense time back in January, more happy narratives to come)
His stitches will heal you
Why would I?
As if my fingers were gasping for air, I claw at the stitches You've sown in my heart.
When I'm broken and bleeding and falling apart-
You stitch and You stitch and You reach for my heart.
But I know my healing comes from You.
Why do I?
Rip. And I rip. and I rip out Your stitches.
I'll fix it myself, You can't fix this, I won't let it.
I won't let it heal.
I crave the pain.
It's sick. And it's twisted.
I wish I desired Your medic.
Your twine-much stronger.
Your needle-how sharp.
But I reach for the cheap, the replaceable yarn.
The rusty old hook used for crocheting.
I'll fix it myself.
Your stitches mean nothing.
And they break, even as I tie them tighter.
Each hole I compress, the blood pours out faster.
I can't fix this.
I've made a mess of my heart.
The lining breaks.
The stitches bow and I cry out from infection.
It festers and turns colors I've never imagined.
Your stitches.... I wish I would have listened.
Let You stitch.
Put my arms to my side,
close my eyes,
feel your breath as You work,
Your hand that steadies me.
............calm seems elusive, and yet on the tip of my tongue.
You reach for your twine, much stronger than mine.
Threading Your needle.
And I close my eyes.
Terror seeps in, tears stroll down, hot against my cheek-
and reminds me I'm alive.
You wait. Patiently.
Hand on my elbow.
my shoulders shake.
and I fall to my knees.
My head rests on your lap and I fight the urge to run.
Your hand. Firm on my back.
Protect me! Why didn't you protect me?!
Hate rises. Instant regret. I'm so angry. I'm so hurt.
You weep over me.
Tears fall on my hands. my arms. oddly comforting I look up.
My face, cradled in Your hands-rough and warm.
I have loved you. you are precious to me. I delight in you. let Me heal you. Let me stitch your heart together. I can fix this.
I can fix this. I can make you whole.
I look away. He stays.
He always stays.
My head lays down.
I'm not ready.
He waits. He stays. He always stays.
I give way to the pain.
Terrified. I expose my heart.
He begins,and it feels as if my whole world crashes in.
He always stays.