It's been two weeks since I drove out of Bend and moved forward. I gave up my position there. It was painful and continues to be. I'd lived there all my life. I went to daycare, preschool, elementary, middle and high school there. I had all my firsts there. I had roots. And the thing is, all those roots are still there. The trees that I used to climb, the I house I slept in for thirteen years, the Church I gave my life to Jesus in, all the babies I took care of and loved as my own... all my roots, are there. And now, I'm rootless. Torn from and exposed, like a painful chipped tooth, where the nerve is showing and even the simplest endeavors, like drinking my morning coffee are different now. And to tell you the complete truth, it is a very painful thing.
Tangent (I can do that, cause it's my blog): A miracle in itself (Lindsay can attest to that), I never used to cry, I mean, I physically couldn't cry. I remember one night in my car out in front of my host families house and I was so upset that I turned up my music supair loud and screamed for an extended amount of time, because I couldn't cry.
But.... God did some serious work in that area in the past few years, cause I can cry a freaking river nowadays. I don't even try and stop myself, it just happens.
The flashbulbs go off often and I'm reminded of wonderful moments that make me cry.
Like warm evenings involving: refreshing beverages, hammocks, arrested development and deleting people from cellphones... bike rides down to get frozen yogurt with Katie and learning that you shouldn't wear short skirts while riding bikes, cause you give people a show.... Watching the sun peak its glorious self over the butte with Jessie morning after morning.... Sleeping over at Kristin's old house, and watching ALIAS until three am.... when Kenz would get off work late and come wake me up to talk and laugh about silly things....Tara's routine :).... Lindsay's voice... dahhh!! I miss hearing her sing and play the devil's advocate.... playing nintendo with Jandra.... eating pizza with Amy... Riding the Harley with my dad...
I talk to my friends on the phone and their voices and condolences make me weep (I hold the phone away from my face... so most of the time they can't hear :). Funny how you don't remember the hard times so much, when you look back. I don't remember the fights so much. And there were some good ones :).
I'm not in a bad place. I'm not lost. But I don't want to end this with some happy reassuring thought from my head. Sometimes, I just want to be raw and open and unapologetically sad. Being sad isn't a bad thing. I don't plan on staying in a this state. But I don't plan on sugar-coating my life either. Because the reality of it is, sometimes, things are just hard. That doesn't mean that I think that the goodness of God changes towards me, or that my life is terrible, or silly thoughts like that. It just means what it means. Deep, I know.