Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Isaiah 30:18-21

Monday, June 30, 2008

The One

Everybody has at lease one of these. A melancholy blog post that is.
And here's mine, it might not seem like it at first, but trust me it is:
There are so many things to see in this world. So much to reach, so much of God to discover and love. There are so many people to know and find and love and be loved by them and to enjoy life with and the occasional pressing moment with. There is so much to be thankful for and so many realizations of how much you actually have and those realizations will more often than not lead you to understand that there so many people are living in serious unbearable lack and that leaves you in a whole other state of gratitude. But sometimes I just wonder if I'd be happier in the lack. I remember when I went to the Ukraine for missions and saw the desperation of the people there. Where they really just had nothing, and because of that, they were so grateful that they had God. I would so much rather be grateful that I have God, than be grateful that God has blessed me with some cool things in life.
I was on the boat with some great friends this weekend out at Billy Chinook, and from underneath a towel (I was under it, because I didn't want to get fried), I peaked out and in the glorious warm weather and company I was just so blessed. Blessed to be with awesome people that I love, blessed that it was such great weather, blessed to be in the glory of God's creation, laughing and enjoying life. But I wondered in that moment, why me? Why did I get to live in the top percent of the financial world, why did I get to live in the top percent of the relational world, why did I even get saved get to live in the presence of God? It just doesn't make sense sometimes. I just don't deserve it. I'm not super awesome. I screw up quite frequently and let people down and it's quite disappointing. and then my question becomes... well, do I live in the place of my own mistakes, live with the consequences of my actions and just accept living in the place of pressure because that's where I put myself?

"Then turning toward the woman, He said to Simon, Do you see this woman? When I came into your house, you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has wet My feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair.You gave Me no kiss, but she from the moment I came in has not ceased [intermittently] to kiss My feet tenderly and caressingly. You did not anoint My head with [cheap, ordinary] oil, but she has anointed My feet with [costly, rare] perfume. Therefore I tell you, her sins, many [as they are], are forgiven her--because she has loved much. But he who is forgiven little loves little. And He said to her, Your sins are forgiven! Then those who were at table with Him began to say among themselves, Who is this Who even forgives sins? But Jesus said to the woman, Your faith has saved you; go (enter) into peace [in freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin]." Luke 7 :44-50

I normally would prefer to live in the place of my mistakes, just take it and live in the consequences. But that's just not Jesus' heart. I love where He says, go. enter into peace. enter into the freedom from all the distresses that are experienced as the result of sin.

I want to love like she loved, I want to love Jesus like she loved Him. I want the grace to be able to love Him like that. I don't want her relationship with Jesus, I want my own. But this woman's life puts me into the right perspective and reminds me what it's like to be living in the Presence of God. Not in the presence of all the cool things that God has blessed me with. Not in the weighted presence of my own consequences. I don't live in the lack that over 90% of the world lives in, but I still want God just as desperately as they do.


joshandkarlee said...

So well said...this post has caused me to stop and evaluate my life. Thanks for sharing what God has put on your heart...it's changing the lives of those who read your blog as well! Love you! So glad I got to spend some time with you last weekend...hope to see you Thursday!

Jenna said...

Well put sister! I am evermore desperate for Jesus as well. Ahh, just to sit at His feet and anoint Him as I get to soak Him in. There is no place like it where nothing else matters. mmmm, I love Him.

Cassie said...

great thoughts and pondering...it's funny, as i was editing pics... i came across the one i took of you under the towel and wondered to myself what you were thinking under there! turns out blogs are great places for some of those 'under a towel' moments to surface.

you're a blessing!

Seth said...

“Reflect; rejoice and began again with each new day for it is only our perspective that holds us to the course”